The Mayans Became Mayonnaise and I Like Miracle Whip

We’ve survived, apparently, but I use that term loosely. Much like the Y2K thing in 2000, another apocalypse reaches EPIC FAIL and APOCALYPTIC FAIL would be a better name for it. So the Mayan bullshit has passed, rather, the idiocy behind the prediction of the apocalypse because of the Mayan calendar can swarm around the next hopeful downfall of humans, which brings me closer to presenting the ongoing ACLU series set to be released on January 11, 2013. Yes folks. That’s right. Ongoing. I’ve worked some more shitty jobs. For those of you who are new to The Opiate, if you were somehow drawn to the sheep carcass in the photo, even sexually, ACLU does not have anything to do with equality, but we* really don’t care what you do anyway, so long as you’re not a douchebag (see previous posts on The Opiate if there is any confusion as to the definition of “douchebag”).

Speaking of douchebags and Mayans, since the next anecdotal paragraph ties both of them together, I’ll write on it for a moment before I get into another insubstantial point. A month or so ago, a friend of mine expressed concern about her child being worried about the world ending because of the Mayan calendar and what she should say to comfort him. I, being the nurturing authority on childhood development, made a statement that I felt would be funny and relieving for a child. I stated something along the lines of, the lazy Mayans forgot to account for leap year, so what would have been the end of the world has already gone by. The Mayans were just lazy and wrong. Shortly after, a friend of my friend posted that the Mayans did account for leap year (which is weird that they accounted for something that didn’t even exist at the time) and that, blah blah blah fucking blah. I understand that we’re accountable for the things we say and do, but we’re just as accountable, if not more, to acknowledge the context of what we’re reacting to. For example, you’re a douchebag for not evaluating the context of the dialogue, like that annoying fucking kid who’s raising his hand to answer before the teacher even finishes asking the question, and when he’s called on, he chokes like he tried to funnel a bag of dicks.

Jesus Christ. Calm the fuck down already. Facebook isn’t going to turn your profile page gold because you dispelled some shit you watched on the Discovery channel the night before. As much as I didn’t want to turn my returning post into a rant, I’m afraid I’m already there. Like unprotected half penetration, why not just keep going? While I’m on the Facebook kick, and in light of recent events involving guns, I’d like to point out that Facebook is not a voice. It’s a fucking novelty for adults with low self esteem and it helps people get laid from time to time. Yes, your tears are being shed, and you’ll say a prayer or your heart goes out to…It doesn’t fucking matter. While being empathetic in these moments exemplifies our humanity, convenience is not an expression of sympathy. Shut the fuck up and send a card. Stop diluting the fabric of our existence and suffering and compassion with meaningless, auto-corrected smart phone status updates.

This brings me to more ranting, obviously, and a bit more about logic and reaction for the sake of reaction instead of thinking things through. For example, the current rhetoric on gun control for both sides. Banning all guns will only open criminal enterprise and is not a solution to the problem.

I fucking love guns.

I also like dynamite, but I can’t go to Walmart and buy it. Assault rifles are fun. Believe me, seeing a cinder-block explode is a wonderful experience and if assault rifles are banned, well, eh.  I’m not delusional enough to think I need to provide myself with an arsenal of those weapons for protection against the government. Our government has some of the most well trained military and law enforcement personnel on the planet. I’m not going to stand a chance in a “government takeover”. While you’re on the toilet shitting out your beer and frozen pizza, reading your “Soldier of Fortune” magazine, those guys are training. In addition, using a high capacity weapon to defend your family simply proves that you don’t give a shit about your family. If you did, you wouldn’t use an AR-15 for home protection and throw a bunch of fucking lead everywhere, not to mention the legal repercussions of shooting an intruder thirty times. Twelve-gauge shotguns work just fine, especially the pump actions. I’m not even going to approach the apocalypse aspect of necessary assault rifle ownership. Simply put, there was a time I liked showing my cock to 14 year olds, but I’m not 31 anymore so that’s just inappropriate.

The bigger problem is that we’re all scared, whether it’s the little dick syndrome that perpetuates the ‘right’ to have weapons with the purpose of killing numerous people or the ignorance that blames guns for our problems. Guns are fucking scary, but so are the religious freaks, racists, sexists, drunk drivers, clowns, priests, Sarah Palin, the homeless people in Portland, Maine, and windowless vans.

Every time we have a substantial issue, we resort to a “smash-it” method of problem solving. There isn’t just one problem that needs to be resolved, there are several. It’s unfortunate that we need strife, tragedy, chaos, and suffering for us to behave like we live in a community. If we took the time to THINK and LISTEN to what others are saying, instead of screaming out the first thing that comes to mind just to react, things might actually get accomplished in this country. Here’s some action that’s quite effective: shut the fuck up and vote.

Merry Christmas. It finally fucking snowed.

*When indicated, “we*” probably has something to do with my imaginary friend.

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4 thoughts on “The Mayans Became Mayonnaise and I Like Miracle Whip

  1. Merry Fucking Christmas Joe
    Dynamite is quite nice on the 4th of July…leap year is just a longer year when I need every day i can get….and douchebags are everywhere …. keep on writing…if it is all about me, and i like it when it is, the more you write the more shit i can read that i enjoy. ka

  2. Agreed re: voting. In the 2012 election, racist religious fucktards attempting to redefine rape and the civil rights debate LOST. Use voting to Support effective gun control and not being an idiot and it could work. Howver, maybe we could start voting on facebook and we’d get a better turnout? Cheers.

  3. Nice rant – I totally agree. Funny as hell too. People can be divided into three distinct categories: those who know (i.e., have an expert, informed opinion), those who don’t know but work hard to find out, and those who don’t know and don’t care to find out, but feel the compulsion to say shit anyway (i.e., the dogmatists). If more people would be comfortable saying “i don’t know” instead of compulsively regurgitating someone else’s half-baked opinion, the world would be a better place to live.

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