A Bit of Irony and the Importance of Facebook to Self-Esteem

The Opiate does not discriminate against subscribers based on race, gender or any of that other shit or how fucking annoying your status updates are on Facebook. It’s taken me a while to publish this. Sometimes, it’s impossible to ignore the conversations on both sides of your head pelting into your ears.

Often, the necessity of Facebook is underestimated. It allows people to track down old girlfriends or boyfriends, especially the ones who gave you herpes or Chlamydia. What’s especially AWESOME about Facebook are the status updates. My personal favorites include people begging to be texted, people serious about their descent into depression, passive aggressive posts that are so obscure it makes people send messages to A) make sure they’re not the target, and B) find out what’s really going on. A few more on the list are those paragraph long ramblings that have no grammatical structure, which are much more tolerable than those that contain profound narcissistic emotional demands. What is with the flipping out on Facebook? Where did this need come from? Why this desire for virtual nurturing? What the fuck happened to just giving yourself a pat on the back?

Facebook is important. What better way to find nurture or a place to post links to your blog where you use negativity as a source of humor.

I’m trying to think back to a time when there was no Facebook. Easy. Hell, the internet was just catching on when I was in high school. I had a rotary phone in my house, and I thought a push-button phone was quite the upgrade. I remember my grandmother telling me about the transition from black & white to color televisions, but the closest someone could come to being a douche-bag because of their push-button phone upgrade would be them bragging about the ten or fifteen seconds they saved because of it. Seriously, if you ever bragged to someone with a rotary phone about your push-button phone, I hope they rolled the neck of your turtleneck up to your bowl-cut until you actually looked like the dick you were. I don’t remember hearing about people becoming vacuous, narcissistic tools because of their color televisions. (Lazy, for sure). Was it used as a status symbol? Obviously, but I don’t think people whined and put signs on their front yards stating how miserable they were when nobody paid attention to their new television. That might be the problem.

Anyone can utilize a social network. What do people do with this social network? They communicate. Maybe what you’re saying is fucking boring. Maybe, what you’re writing or trying to communicate makes no fucking sense. Maybe your IQ is the same number of the amount of words you can correctly type in one minute. How can I possibly know what you’re trying to communicate when you don’t know the difference between a vowel and a consonant, a pronoun and a verb, a bus driver from a screwdriver? Technological advances make communication more accessible and convenient, yet it makes people dumber. WTF? Eventually, we’ll all stand around with our fancy tablets and jump up and down expelling grunts and guttural banter much like a primate; slinging shit at people or eating the bugs out of a stranger’s hair in a fast food drive-through.

Facebook is not real life.

If you can’t maintain your emotional stability because you’re not getting the attention you need on Facebook, delete your account and shut the fuck up. Want emotion? Bring a bunch of abandoned children to an abortion clinic and tell them, “It could be worse.”

Don’t be the fucking loser with low self esteem.

Remember, as the tears start building while you wait for someone to at least “Like” your status, according to His Facebook status, Jesus loves you and so do I. Check my status updates, and please, for the life of me, hit “Like”.

To make this post exactly six hundred sixty-six words, I had to eliminate religious affiliation and sexual orientation.


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